every bit of kindness you give me these days feels like a carrot you want to see me gnaw on ever so slowly until i forget who you are and what i am and what you’ve done and what i’ve not done. every bit of cruelty i’ve shown you as a defensive response feels like a raindrop you weaponize into tsunamis that will finally suffice in making you feel less lonely in your personal hell of guilt and shame.
your crimes are our voldemort in this little island we’ve supposedly built for ourselves. but then how is it that through the years i’ve managed to find her, her, her, her, her and her crawling in the little nooks i’m supposed to call my home.
in my rage i tear a page of your book - it’s on building a glass cage to protect oneself from love’s greatest dangers. in solitude i found and loved and cared for myself in ways you never could. ways you never wanted to. ways you promised to and end up disappointing me with.
in my reflection all i see is all that i wish you did.
welp so this is it! 2.5 years of that, and then nothing. i only ever come on tumblr when nowhere else feels quite as safe so… here i am.
the greatest love of my life, as he once said to describe me too. in him i’d found the safest sanctuary i’d made a home in, the most growth i’ve ever experienced, and 2 of the best years of my life. it’s funny that this has happened so many times but i know in my heart that i’ve never quite been as intentional, as hopeful as i am for it to really end as i am now.
i’ll never find another love quite like this, and maybe somewhere down the road i’ll be thankful for that. but now - today - i’ll sink and sink and sink and let myself drown in all the sadness in hopes of finding my catharsis.
It is rare indeed that people give. Most people guard and keep; they suppose that it is they themselves and what they identify with themselves that they are guarding and keeping, whereas what they are actually guarding and keeping is their system of reality and what they assume themselves to be. One can give nothing whatever without giving oneself ― that is to say, risking oneself. If one cannot risk oneself, then one is simply incapable of giving.
